Update on Your Job Application (from Your Subconscious)

Thank you for your application to our company several months ago that you thought maybe we just missed in our inbox!

I’m just sending you this update to let you know that we actively decided not to interview you, for the following reasons:

I didn’t like the font or font size. Did you put any thought into it at all?
Why would you include a headshot if you’re not very attractive?
Your answers to the questions were correct and within the time limit, but we also secretly care how fast you go.
There was a typo in your resume. I’m not even going to tell you where it was.
“Beginner Spanish”? Por favor, exagere a little, did you think we’d test you? (Spoiler alert: I would have.)
Hobbies must be things other than what we need to maintain basic life functions, like cooking or exercise.
Overall, I found your descriptions of what you did in each job very boring.
I checked with your former boss and the 15% revenue increase you claimed for that one project was a wild exaggeration! It was 12.4%!
Also, your title was “Junior Manager”, not “Manager” or whatever you wrote.
We received three other applications from people claiming to have “led” the Desk Arrangement Optimization Strategy project you said you “led”. Who led it? What is the truth?
We scanned your cover letter with an AI generation tool and it says you didn’t use AI. We need our applicants to be familiar with the latest tools.
There was a weird gap between one end date and the next start date. It was too long for a vacation, but too short for a sabbatical. Why did it take you so long to find another job?
You didn’t manage to get [email protected] and your substitute was lame. Nobody needs to know when you were born.
I’ve never heard of that school. No, don’t tell me about its merits.
Your cherry-picked references didn’t have many good things to say, even though they were obviously all your friends.