Zap Brannigan’s Big Book of War
I always wondered what Zap Brannigan’s Big Book of War would include. Here’s my best effort, loosely based on Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.
Look, this isn’t literary genius, but I had fun writing it, so here it is.
Have a Strategy So Simple an Idiot could have come up with it
Gentlemen, gentlewomen, and perhaps gentle weird alien space things, war isn’t just about firing lasers and looking good — though of course, one must excel at both. It’s about strategy.
And the best strategy is one where you get all the glory and your subordinates do all the work. If something goes wrong, it’s their fault; if it goes right, you’re a genius.
Use Expendable Resources Wisely
Waging war requires resources, mostly of an expendable workforce. Also ships and weapons, but they’re secondary.
Don’t fret over casualties; there’s always more where they came from. The key is to overwhelm the enemy with sheer numbers, sending wave after wave of your own men until the enemy’s ammunition is depleted.
Surprise!
The best way to defeat your enemy is to catch them off guard. Wear something unexpected — like a surprisingly short uniform — and attack when they least expect it. Style is your greatest weapon. Also, surprise. And weapons.
Know That Your Enemy Knows You
Knowing your foe is important, but not as important as them knowing you. Make sure that your reputation precedes you. I mean my reputation!
Let your enemies tremble at the mere mention of the name Zap Brannigan, and maybe at the mention of your name, whoever you are. Let’s call you Zap Brannigan — it’ll make things easier.
Focus on My Strengths
Emphasize your strengths, even though you don’t have any. So, emphasize my strengths! I have enough to go around.
Ignore your weaknesses; acknowledging them is a sign of a lack of strength. Better yet, don’t even know what they are. My theory is that if you don’t know your limitations, neither can your enemy.
Keep the Big Picture with Me in it
Always keep the bigger picture in mind. That picture is of me, standing victorious, basking in glory, with you in there somewhere, or at least your corpse.
Adaptability is for Weaklings
They say flexibility is key, but I say stick to your plan no matter what, unless it’s boring. You want a strategy with some chest hair on it!
Changing tactics is for those who didn’t come up with a brilliant plan in the first place. In the chess game of war, why would you sink your own battleship? Round over.
Use Attractive Intelligence
Information is crucial. Employ spies to gather intel, but ensure they’re easy on the eyes. It makes briefings much more pleasant.
Unrelated, but use a girdle.
Take the High Ground
Always seek the high ground. From there, you can use whatever dirty tricks you like — I don’t care, as long as you win and can look down your nose at your enemies, while from up here I look down my nose at you losers.
Enjoy the Spoils of War
In the end, victory is all that matters. Honor is a nice bonus, but you can’t pin honor to your uniform. You can, however, wear medals—and the more, the merrier.