Honest Job Posting: Extremely Junior Generic Schlepper That Will Likely Soon Be Reassigned or Fired

We’re Hiring!

We are one of many companies in the field of products you love — not the best one, but the one with a job you may be able to get that is located reasonably near your parents’ house.

With accolades from some people and complaints from others, we are proud of a workforce that is a textbook example of the cultural imbalances in society.

Today, our Schlepping team is growing at a measured pace and we have a number of roles to fill to support our modest and yet entirely unsustainable growth.

What You’ll Be Doing as a Junior Schlepper

As a Junior Schlepper, you’ll be the key person responsible for attending meetings and trying to claim expenses even though you didn’t know you needed a receipt in that format. You’ll spend time at your desk, in the bathroom crying, pretending to be at the dentist when actually at interviews, and traversing between those locations.

You’ll work cross-functionally, transversely across the organization, up and down management layers and at times fully inverted like a bat to execute projects that are urgent and business-critical but already cancelled (did you not get the email?).

Among the many other tasks we haven’t documented, you’ll be expected to

• Show up to work and be at your desk
• Make small talk before and after the weekend about the weekend
• Do things on demand without enough time or resources
• Change in priorities regularly
• Attend meetings with no role but at which you’re required to pay attention
• Sit around looking eager and interested
• Be tolerant of a weirdly located desk
• Explain things to your boss in simpler terms
• Be insufficiently compensated in two to three of the of the following ways: benefits, pay, equity
• Respect the informal holiday of “Happy Friday”
• Love your job in spite of everything

Requirements

• 10 years of direct, specific experience doing this exact job, for us*
• Experience in managing large, fragmented teams of angry people
• Comfort with ambiguity about unspecified things
• 100% flexibility with schedule and location, other than working from home
• Strong presentation skills, analytical skills, sales skills, leadership skills, coding skills, and all other skills
• Skills in a tool you haven’t heard of and on which you can’t find info. Did we mistype it? Did we make it up? You’ll never know
• A surprising language (but no, not that one)

*Internal candidates will not be considered.

Bonus Points

• Strong relationship with someone we like who said you’re cool
• School or hometown in common with the boss
• You’re attractive, but not too attractive
• You’re named James, Samatha, or one of our other target names

We are a tolerant workplace, despite the various lawsuits.