Why Do People Get Married?

I’ve been married before, but I don’t plan to do it again. Looking back, I’m not even sure it made sense for me personally. Yet, if you’re curious about marriage, I hope my thoughts will help you decide what’s right for you.

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the institution of marriage since my own experience with it—covering social, financial, ethical, and bureaucratic implications. My intention isn’t to criticize those who choose to marry (or who have already done so). But if you’re wondering whether you should get married, here are a few things to consider.

General caveat: This is about marriage as a personal decision, not one obligated by law or society. In some places, marriage provides big legal or social advantages.

For example, in certain countries, marriage can deliver tax benefits, inheritance rights, or simpler healthcare decision-making. When children are involved, it can simplify disputes over custody or inheritance. In highly conservative or religious societies, you might face persecution if you don’t marry.

So, please keep in mind: I’m talking about marriage as a free choice, not when it’s essentially a necessity in your environment.

There Are No Marriage Fairy Tales

“Marriage” is, in theory, meant to be forever.

But the “happily ever after” narrative doesn’t always align with reality. Relationships are dynamic and frequently don’t last. Studies show that roughly half of first marriages in many Western countries end in divorce (the exact figure varies by country). And even if couples stay together, satisfaction can decline over time, especially in the early years.

Basic divorce statistics also don’t capture scenarios where:

• Partners remain together for external reasons (e.g., children, finances, or religious obligations) despite drifting apart.
• The relationship changes shape—becomes open or involves unfaithfulness.
• The marriage was never officially recorded (e.g., a life partnership without legal status).

Humans are optimistic. We gamble, start businesses, get married, and have kids, thinking we’ll defy the odds. It’s okay to be hopeful, but be mindful of the risks and the potential emotional and financial costs.

It may turn out that your marriage, or those of people you know, lasted forever and seemed happy the whole time. But they’re the minority of cases—and at any rate, you never know really what’s going on in people’s relationships.

Relationships Are Diverse and Rarely Reflected in Law

Human connections are diverse and ever-changing.

Yes, monogamy is popular and socially recognized, but it doesn’t have to last forever—and often it doesn’t. There are relationships involving one and one, one and many, and many and many, ranging from a night to a lifetime. To institutionalize one form and ignore others seems arbitrary.

Some people find fulfillment in non-traditional relationship structures. Studies indicate that consensually non-monogamous relationships can be just as satisfying as monogamous ones, which challenges the idea that marriage is the only path to relationship happiness.

A Relationship Doesn’t Need a Piece of Paper

One of the more peculiar aspects of marriage is the civil ceremony. If you’re religious, you may be accustomed to some fanfare—reciting from a holy book or performing a ritual to tie the knot.

But for those without religious inclinations, the idea of heading to a government office, signing forms, and paying a fee just to be labelled “married” can feel strange—especially if you’re not after any legal benefits.

The wedding itself is another matter: big events, big expenses, big fuss. But you don’t actually need a wedding for the legal act of marriage. They’re two separate things.

The Tax or Legal Benefits of Marriage Vary

Some marry for tax purposes—and some divorce for them, too. In the U.S., married couples might file taxes jointly, which can be helpful if one partner earns far less. There are also advantages for inheritance, medical decisions, and more. So I can see why some sign the dotted line.

But in much of the Western world, those perks are extended to cohabiting couples. In Australia, “de facto” couples enjoy nearly all the same rights (and obligations) as married ones. The same concept exists in the UK (cohabiting or common-law partner), France (pacte civil de solidarité), and elsewhere.

Meanwhile, there are situations where being married is a disadvantage—like losing certain social welfare benefits. These complexities can undermine the credibility of marriage as a universal institution.

You Can Say “Wife” or “Husband” Anyway

Some people say they marry because they don’t like “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” Or they’re not comfortable with the term “partner.” I get it. Sometimes you want a more serious-sounding term.

But there’s no law stopping you from calling someone your “wife” or “husband” socially, as long as you’re not committing any kind of legal fraud. You can use any label that fits your relationship—regardless of whether you’ve signed paperwork.

Resist Societal Pressure

It still surprises me how intense the social pressure to marry can be, driven in part by the media. American sitcoms and dramas revolve around marriage and kids. Diversity might be improving (e.g., different kinds of couples), but the endgame is often the same: walk down the aisle, have children.

So many of my favourite American TV shows end up having a wedding in the later seasons. It’s partly why I lose interest in them. It often goes against what I think the characters would believe in (Jake from Brooklyn 99 never wanted kids — how did he end up with one? How did he reverse that decision in the span of one episode??). It just seems weird… though not as weird as Christmas specials (because I’m not a fan of Christmas, either).

Marriage shouldn’t be a measure of personal success. Research suggests that single individuals often report greater levels of self-determination and personal growth compared to married individuals. This doesn’t mean you’ll automatically be happier single, but it shows that not being married can offer its own unique opportunities for development.

Emotional Freedom and Flexibility

Many people feel freer to adapt a relationship to their evolving needs when they’re not bound by marriage. For instance, you might explore a career move in another city, or take a spontaneous sabbatical without worrying about how legal ties will affect shared finances and properties.

When you’re not married, there’s often less bureaucratic complexity if you or your partner wants a radical lifestyle shift. This kind of flexibility can keep relationships feeling fresh, rather than static.

Cultivate Intrinsic Commitment

True commitment comes from daily choices, not legal documents. Research finds that intrinsic dedication is more predictive of relationship stability than external constraints.

In other words, the quality of your commitment—how you feel, how you treat each other—matters more than your legal status.

I think of this as choosing to be with my partner every day. It actually gets easier as time goes on, because the value of shared experience starts to eclipse any small troubles that inevitably come along.

The “Religion” Question

Some people reading this will inevitably think “I’m getting married because it’s a religious requirement.” If you’re religious, this is all moot, and you may send me hate mail.

I’m an atheist. I grew up religious, but I moved on from that. One of the reasons I moved on was I met people in non-traditional relationships (I have good friends who are in same-sex relationships or who are straight but are in ethnically non-monogamous relationships, for example), and they’re great people.

I mean, they’re really great people. Smart, successful, friendly, caring and considerate people who have gotten far in life but who wouldn’t harm a fly.

Because no religion supports (whether on paper or in reality) non-traditional relationships, I can’t accept any of them — even though my own relationships are quite conservative (straight and monogamous). And so I don’t even consider the “religion” question.

Counterpoint — Why Marriage May Be for You

Despite my reservations, marriage can be a positive and even life-changing choice for many couples.

As I mentioned at the top, the legal benefits of marriage are not to be disregarded. In the US, it simplifies a lot of stuff like medical decision making, inheritance, and tax. You could replicate a lot of this through a series of contracts — but that would be so much more expensive and cumbersome, especially if you have to undo them later.

Aside from legal benefits, the best atheist argument I’ve heard for marriage — or specifically, a wedding (and you do need marriage for a wedding, I suppose) is “I wanted to throw a huge party.” My friend in question who said this invited hundreds of people to his wedding in New Zealand and people travelled to be there. If it were a birthday party, people may not have made the effort. But a wedding gets a little extra attention.

In the end, it’s about what you value and need. If marriage fits you, embrace it. If not, there are countless other ways to form deep and meaningful bonds.

Just examine your own reasons for wanting (or not wanting) marriage, rather than just rolling with societal expectations. Whether you choose marriage or not, strive for loving, respectful partnerships that bring genuine happiness and fulfillment.