I F$&#ing Invented the Em dash, so Screw You
If you’re reading this, hopefully it’s because I sent it to you after you claimed something I wrote was AI-generated. Or you just found it! In which case, not screw you.
AI-generated? You think my post or comment was goddamn AI-generated because I used an em dash?
You can’t write! You don’t know syntax; you only just learned what an em dash was. You don’t even know that there’s also an en dash. Is a hyphen a dash, you wonder? Do you capitalise jobs, like the fact that you’re a “Mom”? Is your rule about commas to use one just, whenever?
I know it’s somewhat of a segue but up until now, you thought that was spelt “segway”. Ergo, you can’t spell. Also, I invented the abrupt topic change.
And if I were to say there’s a difference between a conditional and a subjunctive clause, would you agree that you don’t know grammar?
And you might think you can’t start a sentence with a conjunction. Or write sentence fragments. But you’re wrong!
Who the hell am I? I’m the guy who speaks three languages better than you speak one. I’ve written millions of words on the internet. Tens of thousands of people read my blog posts every day. Who reads your things? Nobody, that’s who doesn’t.
I boldface when I want to emphasise something! So there. Not AI.
Despite not being a bot, I sometimes use
- Lists!
- Quotes!
- References! [1]
Sometimes I structure things according to a rule of three. That is just good structure. The rule of three is useful for showing completeness of thought, setting up a punchline, and you smell bad.
Using correct grammar and syntax, writing clearly, and emphasising appropriately aren’t telltale signs of AI writing; they’re symptoms of good writing. Just as is that semicolon. Perish the thought that you should learn to juxtapose two clauses for effect.
The depressing reality is that LLMs are trained mostly on blog articles and social media posts: web-oriented rubbish written one sentence at a time. Then they smooth that garbage into the statistical average of everything anyone has ever said, and somehow the em dash gets blamed, and I get blamed for the em dash.
Well, guess what: writing existed before ChatGPT. So did rhythm, parallel structure, semicolons, regular colons, that squiggly thing, and people who knew where the shift key was. But people are forgetting how it should be done.
So when you see an em dash in something I wrote, don’t accuse me of using AI. Accuse AI of using me. Also, screw you!
