With Love, The IT Department

Thank you for your request submitted today with a due date of yesterday.

Unfortunately, we can’t upgrade your laptop. Laptop upgrades are only for people who have been here for a slightly longer time than you, are more senior than you, are our friends, or are people who caught us on a good day, which, again, isn’t today.

Further, no, we can’t give you the email alias of [email protected]. Who do you think you are? Do you even realise John is the name of the CEO? The standard format is [email protected]. Further, we can’t grant you [email protected], [email protected], [email protected] (wow, you’re so funny!), or the other surprisingly offensive one.

In response to your software request, no, you can’t install Claude. Company policy is that we use our own in-house AI, which is available via a chatbot at “sauron.company.com” (oh, you don’t like that name? Well, I came up with it, jerk), and which is subject to company terms and conditions, including our right to monitor and repost your most awkward conversations on social media.

Unrelated, but how come most of your Google searches are for “laugh cry emoji”? Do you not know how to type it? 😂

Yes, we can give you headphones! However, not ones that will work with both your phone AND laptop.

We understand your frustration that your issued computer doesn’t connect to any of the peripherals you have. Have you tried daisy-chaining many dongles in a different order? Be aware that some of the dongles aren’t compatible with other ones. I am happy to fix your printer for you, but instead, please first schedule some time with me to explain why you need to print. I’m available any time before everyone else stopped using printers.

Finally, we checked the keyboard that you said was “acting weird” and can advise that we can help, as soon as you explain how you managed to clog it up with that much cheese.

As usual, we’re happy to help. Please fill out the following survey so we can ignore it.

😂,

The IT Department