Deport Them All
Send them all away. Deport anyone who hates Australia. Even if they were born here.
First and foremost: Child abusers. Touch a kid, or collect contraband material, and you’re gone. It doesn’t matter how random this list is — this is always at the top.
Shortly after that is any perpetrator of domestic violence. We protect the innocent; we don’t attack them.
People who don’t pick up their dog’s poo when walking them. Oh, you were walking it off-leash and didn’t notice? Use a leash. Too late anyway. You’re gone.
People who dump tyres, hard rubbish, or other illegal junk. Tyres? Really? This isn’t the caravan park where you grew up.
Lazy, selfish, or corrupt politicians. You’re the ones who could fix the underlying problems — everything being too expensive for ordinary people — but you’re not.
Racists who think it’s ok to set a car on fire, shoot people, stab randoms, start fights, or even just express their displeasure that other cultures exist. How dare I be brown in your vicinity?
People who throw cigarette packets, McDonald’s packets, or coffee cups out the window of their car as they drive by. Get your mum to pick up your rubbish, like you do at home.
Customers who abuse customer support. This is why nobody likes you, by the way. (Well, it’s one reason.)
Members of the majority who whine about being oppressed. Aww, boo hoo.
Corrupt cops. I’ve heard a lot of stories.
Meth and ice dealers, of course. But at least you guys are never too hard to find. (Cue image of Lamborghini parked in a driveway of an old house with all the curtains drawn)
Those who don’t keep left. Anywhere! Escalators, footpaths, and of course roads. But serious on footpaths, why are you adding to everyone else’s daily chaos? Isn’t life hard enough as it is?
Religious zealots of any kind. Why is it that whenever someone does something “in the name of religion”, it’s always bad? Genocides, beatings, bombings, murders, terrorism, mayhem, and generally just hatred. Just once, could someone make me a delicious sandwich in the name of religion?
Drivers who honk their horns to express frustration. That’s not what the horn is for. Solve your anger issues, bro.
People whose cars spew smoke. I know cars are expensive and driving is a scam, but please prioritise fixing it rather than making everyone else’s lives even smellier than you usually do.
People who have dogs they can’t control off-leash. (I don’t mind if your dog is well-trained and you’re picking up its poo… but you know you might miss it one time, right?). Oh. I’ve said this twice. I guess it must really annoy me 😂
Bad graffiti. Get some skills, then come back and finish the job, please.
Landlords who don’t fix stuff. Tenants who don’t take responsibility for breaking things. All I want, basically, is a little honesty and integrity from everyone.
People who leave gum on public seats. Wait, fine them before sending them away, then send me the money for a new pair of pants.
Bad bosses who treat employees or apprentices badly. Was your daddy mean to you when you were a kid? Is that your excuse?
Idiots and the uneducated. I have no patience for them. Can’t finish school (when you had the means and opportunity), can’t do anything, get out. Generally, this applies to flat earthers, holocaust deniers, conspiracy theorists, and anyone else who thinks watching YouTube or reading X is “doing your own research”.
Train or tram passengers who put their disgusting feet up on seats. Somehow it’s even worse when you take your shoes off.
People who don’t use headphones listening to their crappy TikToks on public transport. Unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, it seems that people who don’t use headphones seem to have the absolute worst taste and watch the lowest IQ content on the internet.
People who don’t get up for the elderly or disabled on public transport. It’s always the same kind of people…
People who think someone else practising their culture quietly and peacefully somehow threatens their own culture (or lack thereof… is a sausage in square bread “culture”?).
Kids (or adults!) riding recklessly on motorbikes. Including electric ones. Especially the ones who tear up public parks and lawns. I don’t really care about registration fees; I just care about people being dicks. Doing wheelies into traffic, ruining natural vegetation, riding fast on footpaths, or forcing others to slow down around you = being a dick.
People who dart in and out of traffic to get somewhere 30 seconds earlier. Squabbling over pennies. You actually make it slower for everyone on average for very little benefit for yourself.
Anyone who sells, imports, or makes illegal cigarettes and vapes. Ruining people’s lives for a lazy buck.
Illegal fishers in local lakes. What’re you trying to catch, crabs? I mean a second kind?
Lazy people. Be productive. Do something. Help others. Or at least when you go to the supermarket, wear something … better.
Contractors or tradies who selfishly don’t show up to work and cost other people time and money.
Government employees who phone it in, waiting out their time until they can get onto a pension. Making me pay for your laziness twice!
People who think someone else speaking another language is an excuse to spit on, swear at, or assault them. Guess what, monoglot, it doesn’t affect you, and you don’t deserve to live here.
People who steal packages from other people’s doorsteps. Maybe I should just order more cheap sex toys.
Influencers. What a waste of human effort…
Old people rage-baiting on social media. And other Facebook, X, and Reddit trolls. Nobody cares what you think in real life or anywhere.
Dodgy builders or home repairers. $20K for some imaginary coating on a roof? Get out of here.
Email and Facebook scammers. (Most of you probably already don’t live here.)
This list could go on forever… but that’s all I can think of for now.
Send them all away. I don’t care where they’re from. Townsville, Switzerland, Albury, Saudi Arabia, Frankston, Canada, or Byron Bay (maybe especially Byron Bay…), wherever. I don’t care, and I don’t need to know where they’re sent to. Drop them all into the bottom of the ocean for all I care. Let’s make Australia better.
Feel attacked? Feel free to leave!
